I am sad today

I’m sad today. Sadness is the easiest feeling for me to dissociate from. So while I know that deep down inside, I am incredibly sad, it isn’t as pushy as anxiety would be. I am often sad, it is my default feeling. So I can handle it. But the thoughts related to it just keep popping up today and start all these negative thoughts patterns. It is really fascinating, really. Because every time, no fail, when the most overwhelming feeling is sadness, I end up at considering suicide. I am not actively suicidal but it is more like everything is so incredibly sad, that being alive doesn’t seem like a great option, really. I guess it has to do with that my sadness doesn’t stay only sadness but eventually dresses in the cloaks of helplessness and hopelessness.

Today I am sad because I am not the person that I should have been. I don’t mean that in a midlife crisis kind of sense. I think I am still too young for that. It is more in a sense of that my life has been stolen from me. I never stood a chance. I was born with all these skills and this potential, and here I am, like a an idiot, looking at them but not having the strength to apply them. I never stood a chance because I was small and weak, and instead of being built up, I was pushed down. Every ounce of mental strength was sucked out of me, and my body was prepared for constant fight. So I was burnt out before there even was a proper fire burning inside of me. I don’t think fairness or karma or whatever exist in this universe – but fuck, I never stood a chance.

And today I am not even grieving the chances that I have lost. Or the times I tried and I was pulled down again. I am just sad that I am not the person I could have been, should have been or had the potential to be. I don’t think I would have been anything great – but just the chance of walking the same path as everyone else? That can’t be too much to wish for.

Today I am sad because the fatigue I am feeling is strong. I feel like I am subhuman. I can not function on any level. I am the weakest link, the strongest candidate to be abandoned. And I don’t want to be this. I don’t want to be this version of myself. No fire was ever allowed to burn inside of me. Instead I was broken and now I am just an empty shell without any real value in the world. I am sad because I can’t accept the state I am in. Because it is unfair. Although there is no fairness in the universe.

And today I feel hopeless because the world around me is functioning, and doing the things that I was supposed to be doing. I don’t feel like I matter. I am scared I will grow roots and be forever stuck in this feeling, in this place, never able to move again. My body is working against me today, and yesterday, and the days before. My broken mind can’t accept that this is me. And I feel stupid for spending time on social media, seeing all those people, living life, having energy and spoons and doing the things I was supposed to be able to do.

Today I remember a discussion I had with a friend many years ago. They said that they don’t see why they should put all their energy into becoming a lesser version of themselves, a 3 instead of a possible 10. Why burn yourself out when the reward is so low and so little, and you will still always be aware of that you are a lesser version. I felt this. I still feel this. Why put all my energy into becoming a version of myself that I will still abhor, that will continue to remind me of who and what I could have been. I know the answer is processing the grief, the anger, the sadness. And come to a conclusion of acceptance. But I don’t want that. Can’t I just decide that it isn’t worth it? And call it quits? Why are you supposed to live a life where you feel like a subhuman, and even fight for it? I am sad. And hopeless. And helpless.

Today I am sad because my friend M has just died. She was not the most reliable person and I will have to deal with some financial struggles because of her. But she was a person that still showed kindness to me. She supported me and stood up for me when my ex was being abusive. She never said a bad word about me. She gave me a lift to therapy, to the airport, to the doctor. She has shown kindness.

And I am sad because she deserved better. She has lived a life filled with pain, sickness and loneliness. She never had much stability nor money. But she had her children and she did everything she could for them. Her lifestyle was not positive for them, but she really tried. She loved her children.

Today I am sad for her teenage daughter who was already struggling with mental health issues. I worry about how she is doing right now. I am scared she will do something to hurt herself. I am sad that people have to suffer and struggle. That teenagers have their lives destroyed before they have even started living. I am sad that you can’t take mental pain away from someone, but that all you can do is help them win the war against their own mind.

I am really sad today. But I also don’t feel anything. Because I dissociate from sadness so easily. It doesn’t push through like anxiety does. I am empty in my heart but my thoughts are filled with the pessimistic worldview that I have been taught when I was a child. There is no fairness in this world.

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