I don’t know why I don’t write despite being a professional writer. I don’t prioritize my own personal thoughts and reflections because they make me too vulnerable so I rather focus on being creative in safer ways. I just suck at consistency, and probably always will, unless there is some kind of outside pressure. And I don’t have that with my personal writing.
The last few months have been absolute mess for me mentally. I have had two major meltdowns in my life – one in 2010 which led to my first hospitalisation and then again in 2018 when I became aware of the DID. And somehow this year seems to be another year of major inner change and awareness. The trauma sharing has started, and it seems like there is no way to stop it from happening. A lot has arrived in everyone’s awareness and it has changed so much about how I see myself, how I see the world, my past and my trauma. I am instinctively trying to just dissociate from it all but it has been quite impossible. The last few weeks have been a tad better because the connection to the inside is cut, there is no communication. I know that isn’t necessarily healthy, to be disconnected like that, but it feels a bit like a space to breathe.
I did make the odd decision to stop vaping last weekend. After 30 years of nicotine, 23 of them cigarettes, the rest vaping. And holy shit, I am not well. All over the place emotionally, the cravings are unreal and my body is tired and restless at the same time. It is not nice. But I am stubborn and my motivations are very confusing. All I know is that I am done.
The one thing that has caused me most confusion lately is therapy and my therapist. I do like my therapist and do appreciate their experience with DID and trauma patients. But parts of me require a higher level of professionalism, and a lot less emotional and personal connection. I understand that this kind of intense therapy with a system requires a deeper personal connection and I don’t mind it, really. But at times it takes over the professional client-therapist relationship that we have.
I was on my own last weekend as my partner was in another city to visit family. And my therapist was on vacation. But she took some time out for me, for a video call. Thing is though, the video call was a lot about her vacation, not so much about the crazy that was going on in my head. Then she came to my home a couple of days later to check up on me. Again, it was just random chit chat like I would have with a friend – both sharing. I assume that because no trauma holders have been out in therapy still (after 3 years), she is trying to amp up the personal connection.
Now, today in our session, she talked a lot about herself, things that she has been through. I talked about my grandmother and generational trauma, she showed me a picture of her and her grandma and told me she had decided to not have children because of generational trauma in her family. She shared some things about other clients (nothing confidential) and it made me feel like shit. I don’t get helped by hearing other people’s stories. I get that triggered into comparing myself, and always end up hating myself for either being a crybaby because others have it worse, or I feel like I suck really bad because others are better at handling shit. I feel more isolated and alone because I feel like I am not like other people. I feel alienated.
We also had some kind of conflict because she offered a coping strategy which I didn’t really need. So I tried to politely say thank you and move on but she told me I make her feel frustrated when I stubbornly dismiss everything she suggests. Which I didn’t feel was at all what I wanted her to feel.
I was also having a flashback slowly coming up, different and new memories popping up. But we had to wrap the session up because we were out of time. That felt like a huge dismissal, and suddenly when we needed her, she was being professional.
I like my therapist. I have not made a ton of progress but I also understand that DID and CPTSD are really hard to get progress with. I want to continue to see her. But parts of the system feel like they are wrong for not being able to connect to other people’s experiences, wrong for not being able to express ourselves in a way that doesn’t hurt her, and for getting frustrated when she is a sharing a lot about herself when what we wanted was validation. On the other hand, she has sort of pushed the professionalism to the side at this point – and I don’t know if that is what is supposed to happen, or if this subconsciously happened with her. I am confused. One thing I really need to make clear (for the billionth time) is that I do not want to hear other people’s stories. I think it is valid to need to be able to take space and actually not have to talk about other people, if I know it is unhelpful for me.
Again, I like my therapist. And the therapist-client relationship needs work too. I just don’t have the spoons to talk all those things through with her right now. Meh.
Fragments of Reality 